End of nightmare and a dream gone by

I've always enjoyed the pleassures of life,every one of them.Warm nights and good wine in winter,enough bills in my wallet just in case and an exquisite charm (or so I was told).Although my life in some aspects may seem easy and perfect in some others it's just a real disaster or silent death.I live near by the Eiffel tower or I used to live,now as many know I'm living in Lustin (Belgium) and studing in Brussels but I will finish my career in France,so I will get my diploma there.I'm not going to start explaining why I moved,long story plus I'm speaking about something else today.
I'd say I'm good in what I do,I teach French,speak in more than three languages,play the violin,I end up with very high marks and I work in a metal store-recording studio (every metaller's dream).Of course to get up to this point I have to work really hard (for me nothing was ever for free).On the other hand I can say I'm handsome or I don't find myself into touble when it comes to a girl and how I said at the beginning,hooking up with one.Before I came to Lustin I lived the Belle Epoque of Paris.I went to lots of gigs (and I still do or not that much),traveled a lot around the world because of the student exchanges (and the way my parents used to get rid of me),parties,had tons of friends.They were not real friends of course,just drinking acquaintances or people with no real compromises and of course I was the same way.My girlfriend at that time was what every guy in the metal and partying scene would just love: good drinker,loved the moshpit,dressed like a whore or in a very provocative way up to the point of being outrageous and even grotesque with her dyed black hair with some coloured locks,piercings everywhere and cool tattoos.Our lives were drugs,lots of alcohol,sex,parties,gigs,dying our hair black and sleeping at day so to be alive at night and start again.We were just two eighteen year old fuckers wasting the world with everything inside.
After my last long trip abroad I was a little bit changed but I was ready to reappear and carry on that life of which I was secretly exhausted.If Roxanne (my girlfriend at that time) was faithful to me,I don't know,I do honestly doubt it because of her reputation and I was away for almost eight seven months plus there was some intrigue once of her having a quick and burning contact with one of my friends at that time.I guess I was too wasted to care but she was always a good liar and at that time I thought I knew it all but I was nothing but a defenseless calf with high grades at school and home near the Eiffel tower who drank wine as if it was water and smoked all the pot from Jamaica and stronger drugs such as heroine,crystalmeth and xtc of course.If you wanted to be in the groove,you had to follow the rules and make them your own.How didn't I die from an overdose? God knows,I don't believe in him at all but maybe he does believe in me or I'm just lucky,whatever.
My last night with Roxanne was at home,we were both wasted up to the point I was seeing things and she was just there fooling around or I can't remeber exactly.Suddenly I saw Her.Yes,her,the one who stood up in front of me and made me crumble.I couldn't believe my eyes and I felt like in one of those bad junkies movie in which they see their loves of their lives and that sort of stuff.But she was there underneath me moaning and shaking with that smile of hers which so many times made me want to give her death or maybe not.I felt so good,I felt something which I thought impossible to exist I felt something which was strong plus all the drugs and internal cries of desperation.Call me corny and I accept it,but I felt in paradise.When I called her by her name twice of course she wasn't there and I went mad.I started to look for her everywhere and even screamed her name out the window and the neighbours answered back and not exactly with friendly words.Roxanne didn't understand anything and she was mad because of what I called her and was about to start up some sort of scene and I went even angrier and told her to leave and called her many things (I spoke the truth).The rest of the night I couldn't sleep thinking about everything and the following day I was sover and apollogized to Roxanne inventing some story about myself when I was wasted which in part was real but not completely real.We continued together for a couple of months more until I finally realized she was no more than an impediment in my life.I was concerned about my future and she didn't know what future meant.We splitted up.I entered the Sorbonne philosophy school and started studing there but because of some issues at home I managed myself to get a schoolarship for the Brussel's university and the deal was to study there four years and do the last two years of the career in Sorbonne (that wil be the year following the next one).I left home just before I turned twenty and found place in Lustin with some other students from the same university (we rented an apartment to an Italian man who lives with us and the five get on well although we have our domestic issues and he is in charge of the house since he works only at night in his restaurant).
Roxanne started to hang around with my best friend there in Paris and that confirmed my theory that she was just a provocative dressed headache in a suitcase,a tall whisky glass and a complete nightmare.Not long ago she started sending me e-mails saying she was changed,she was studing and working,she had been sover for more than half a year (what is half a year in anybody's life?) and she made me a surprise visit and I just dismissed her but not before telling her she had to change because of herself and not because of me.She bitched at me of course,indeed she didn't change anything but her dressing and hair style.She's a blonde now.
As regards myself I have some night effaires but nothing special and I try not to make ilussions to anyone and I explain the situation before starting but some listen what they want to listen and turn a simple touch and go into a two year relationship.I used to feel sorry about all that but I no longer do.Yes,I'm a feelingless mother fucker with a frozen heart who just works for the routin and has ocational effaires to feed his lust.Am I worse than Roxanne? Maybe we're the same thing on what is relative to relationships and effaires but we feel different: she does always need to be with someone no matter who to bring her some short-term love support and me,I can remain alone and loveless.
Finally,as regards her after leaving home and all that I started to ask her friends about her and one day I got enough guts to go and speak to her without arguing or mistreating her that much and there're times in which I say nice things to her,very few times.We have a strange and distant relationship and she has no idea about all this,evern if she's reading she will be clueless or maybe not.Anyway,I don't care and she won't care either since she sees me as some erudite addicted to studing,having nights effaires and being haughty and hostile to almost everyone and also she's a fool who lives in some pararell world full of dream prototype guys who are no more than a bunch of drinkers with no damn idea of life further than metal,rich boys playing the psychotique or the worse of them all,frustrated guys who did nothing with their shitty lives but wasting their whole time fooling around and recite cheap life philosophy and won't accept the fact of her flying higher and faster than them plus the fact that they have no idea of what they have in front and even worse,after losing her they would still fucking clueless about it.Anyone would say she's another idiot going around but no worse than me.Know what? I don't give a damn about it because no matter what her truth about certain aspects may be,there won't be night in which I don't dream about her or just think about her.
Au revoir